oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
