I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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