community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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