my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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