dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
