cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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