Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
