I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
