Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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