This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
