woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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