the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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