just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
