the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm passing your future prison.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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