Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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