life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
