I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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