So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
