he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
