Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
