I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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