I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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