this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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