when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Randomize
