a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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