i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
