i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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