Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
