Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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