Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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