Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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