My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
