talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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