Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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