:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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