community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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