I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My liver just had a heart attack.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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