Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
