I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
