I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
