i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
