mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
