Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm at about main and main street
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
