Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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