Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
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If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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