As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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