remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
