ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize