if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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