All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
