Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
