at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
