Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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