So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
