i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
