I think I won the penis lottery.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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