I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she peed on how many people?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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